Category Archives: Aspergers

Standing in the gap


Have you ever read the scripture about ‘standing in the gap’?

Eze 22:30 I looked for someone among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found no one.

I learned about the principle years ago, and it is widely known in Christian circles. Standing in the gap means to pray for a person that cannot or doesn’t want to pray, for whatever reason. That verse, got new meaning. I have a story to tell. It isn’t a pretty story, but it has a marvellous ending.

My husband and I have been through a year of hell. Being an aspie, I cannot cope with unpredictability and uncertainty. And since last year October, that is all we had. Unpredictability. Uncertainty. Not knowing what is going to happen next. To tell you that it frustrated me, is a major understatement. It nearly destroyed me. Since August, I became very depressed. I just couldn’t see our way out of our circumstances. Gradually, it just became worse and worse. And my thoughts became dark. I wasn’t suicidal, as I will never do that to my husband, my mother and my children. We had a suicide in our family and I have seen what it does to those who stayed behind. But I really didn’t want to live anymore. I couldn’t handle life anymore. I wanted to die. Just die.

The night before last night, I could not sleep. Despite taking a sleeping tablet. I was arguing with God throughout the night. And I got more and more desperate. After a couple of hours, God told me we have reached the turning point, and things will start changing.

Only today, I got this testimony from a friend. That same night, God woke her up and commanded her to pray for me. I am going to translate her messages to me without changing anything.

“I woke up with a horrible anxiety and all I could see in the dark was your face, in a cloud. I jumped out of bed, went to the bathroom and asked God what I should do. I got back in bed asking God to direct me. God told me to pray for you; if I don’t, you won’t make it. I started praying softly but I couldn’t find rest. I jumped out of bed, and went to the room where you always sleep when you visit us. There I knelt beside the bed and starting pleading with God that He would keep you from committing suicide – that was the first thing I thought of! I pleaded with God to let you experience peace and love. Eventually I was crying to much that all I could say was ‘please God’. It went on for three hours. And then the Lord spoke to me again. He clearly said that if I didn’t stand in the gap for you, HE would remove you from your circumstances.”

God knew my heart. He knew I had no will to live left. But He also knew I still have work to do. So He got someone to stand in the gap and pray for me, when I was praying the wrong prayer. In His grace and mercy, He ignored my prayers and instead raised up a Godly warrior that prayed for me.

I am humbled. I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness and mercy. That verse will be special to me forever. And the warrior He raised up for me, will for always have a massive space in my heart. If there was disobedience, I might not have been here, to write this blog.

God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.

We are not out of the woods yet, but things have started to change.


Medicine and Miracles


There is a strange concept among believers and non-religious people. If a christian is sick, everybody expects a miracle. And if the miracle doesn’t happen, obviously according to the super-spirituals, the sick person doesn’t have enough faith. I remember one house church meeting as if it happened yesterday. The woman had severe pain due to bad back problems. In every meeting, she asked for prayer to help with the pain. In each meeting, the cell leader prayed for her, and then gave her a bit of a lecture on her level of faith, and positive proclamation.

Until one day. One day when I finally had enough. Back to my problem of having more Biblical knowledge than the average pew-warmer.

James 5:14  Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well…

Who is without faith here???? The woman did what the Bible commanded – she went to the elders to pray for her healing. What happened? Nothing. Why? The elders didn’t have faith.

No surprise that the cell leader didn’t like me much after that. Obviously, being an aspie, it wasn’t said with tact. It was just blurted out.

Let’s think about this. If God answered EVERY prayer, EXACTLY doing what we asked, would there be any non-religious people? No. If it was that easy, the entire world would have been Christian, just to be prosperous in every facet of life! Everybody would have served God for what they could get, not because of what He already did.

I take medicine. I have to. And that is okay with me. I don’t understand why I have this condition. But I know it won’t go away. And I am okay with that. Paul had the proverbial thorn in his side, and this is probably mine. Just as God told Paul, I know today, His grace is enough for me.

So take heed. If you are a super-spiritual that will try to load condemnation on me for taking meds, you might end up with a very unchristian-like reaction.


The puzzle pieces of my life


The day it was confirmed that I have Aspergers, was the best day of my entire life. Before that day, I didn’t fit in, and I could never figure out why. I wonder how many times I have been labelled as weird, eccentric, and anti-social. If only I could have a R1 for each time! Geez, we could have had a great party!

The aftermath of the Asperger confirmation, is that I am rebuilding the puzzle of my life. I remember things that happened many years ago, and suddenly, I understand. I understand the little girl back then. I understand why she did what she did. One by one, I am re-looking at all my memories, categorising them into Asperger traits. For the first time in my life, I belong. There are other people like me. That little sentence gave me so much peace, you have no idea. No, I don’t need an ‘ag shame you suffer from Aspergers’. No! I don’t suffer! I HAVE aspergers, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want to be any different from who I am. God made me like this and I am quite happy with myself. It’s just a new season, where I get to know myself so much better.

Anxiety is the one thing that is a major giant in the life of an aspie. Anxiety is always there. It doesn’t always make sense, well actually seldom, but it can’t be ignored just because it doesn’t make sense. To neuro typical people, none of it makes sense! Why do I become anxious just because we are having visitors over?  Why do I get anxious when I have to go to town? Why do I get anxious when we are going to a social? It doesn’t make sense right? But it is there. And I have to live with it.

Years ago, I was in a very big, prominent church in Pretoria. With a lot of super spiritual people. You have to understand this concept. You get so-called christians, who go to church every Sunday, but live the most despicable lives you can imagine. Then you get normal christians, who know they are desperately in need of a Saviour; we just can’t make it on our own. And then you have the super-spirituals. They say all the right words. They fill the important positions in the church. I usually refer to them as the pharisees.

Where do I fit in? The middle one. I am one of those who knows, I won’t make it on my own. I need a Saviour. I am no saint. I swear when I get angry. I cry when I get scared. Sometimes my faith fails me miserably, but God, always picks me up.

If you speak about aspergers and anxiety to one of the superspirituals, they will immediately tell you that you have a lack of faith, that you should stand on the word, that you should rebuke the devil, blah blah blah blah.

Oh yes, I know about the scripture that says ‘be anxious for nothing’. I can even quote it!

Phil 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Now the question arises – is it a sin to be anxious? NO. A very bold NO. Why do I say that?
Go and read the scripture when Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was scared. Jesus was anxious. He desperately pleaded with God, to take another route. BUT, he also surrendered to God’s will. Jesus was human. Fully human. You show me any human, who have divine knowledge that he would be crucified, that isn’t anxious, scared, and shaking in this shoes. Forget it.
Jesus was anxious. As such, He understands my anxiety. That little scripture in Phil 4:6 is encouragement daily for me to face the day, despite the anxiety. It is a reminder that God knows about me, that He understands my anxiety and that He will help me through it.
No, I don’t have it because I have a lack of faith.
No, I am not demon possessed.
No, I am not sick and I don’t need some self-proclaimed prophet to pray for me.
I have all I need. I have a God who knows what my anxiety feels like. I have a family who understand the anxiety and helps me cope, even if it doesn’t make sense.
One puzzle piece fitted. I have anxiety. It’s okay. Jesus had it too.