Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!

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That is what I feel like.  Stuck in a run-away train on the way to nowhere at one heck of a speed.  I wish I could hit the brakes on my life right now.  I have too much stuff, happening too fast, all at the same time.  And right now, I am not coping with any of it.  I feel as if I have lost control altogether.  I’ve been consumed by my work, my studies and other people.

Yes right now I have to work.  But why did I allow my work to consume my entire life?  At the cost of family time?  I am not blaming anybody but myself.  The corporate world is like that – if you allow it to consume you, it will.  Mercilessly too.  The biggest question of all – how do I reverse out of this?

Do I have to study?  I am not so sure.  When I started I wanted to study.  Whether I still want to now I don’t know.  To reverse out of that is almost impossible too!  Every person I discuss this with tells me I am crazy.  And I feel guilty just thinking about it.

Why is it so difficult to say no?  Why is it so difficult to just walk away from some things or some people?  I think I have a sick sense of responsibility.  I feel responsible for the success of people I hardly know and spend loads of time motivating and encouraging them.  The majority of which I have never met in real life.  I feel responsible for everybody trying to learn something I know well and try to mentor them all.

All for what?  I have no idea.

I am in a terrible tug of war with myself.  There is very little in my life that have eternity value.  Very little.  There are only a few things in my life that I am satisfied with.  There are only a few things in my life that I enjoy.  The majority of my life has become a schlep.  One that I can do without.  I am sick of it.  Really and truly sick of it.

The worst part of this entire lamentation?  I have no idea how to change it.  None whatsoever.

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3 responses »

  1. Hi Hilda. Thanks for sharing your feelings so openly. I relate completely to those thoughts. It definitely gets a hell of a lot easier when the student burden is lifted. I hope you get to enjoy that really soon. Candice.

  2. Hi Hilda, it says not only a cup of cold water will go unrewarded. I want to encourage you to persist and carry on, because you have no idea what your commitment to help others and ability still to carry on with your studies means to many who is reading your blog. This is what true Christianship means to be committed in all things. Paul says that he has laboured more than his fellow brothers, but not he has done it, but Christ you have given him the strenght to do it. It is human to feel like this, but remember the grace of God covers us to do much, thanks for sharing your feelings, but remember the world needs you, and God sees the heart and bless us accordingly.
    All I can say you an acheiver, and acheivers do not give up, you always reminds others that there are a purpose why one makes certain decisions, you decided to study, strenght to carry on lies in our prayer life. keep well and God bless.

  3. Pingback: Eternity Value. Finally. | A broom for my brain...

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