That is what I feel like. Stuck in a run-away train on the way to nowhere at one heck of a speed. I wish I could hit the brakes on my life right now. I have too much stuff, happening too fast, all at the same time. And right now, I am not coping with any of it. I feel as if I have lost control altogether. I’ve been consumed by my work, my studies and other people.
Yes right now I have to work. But why did I allow my work to consume my entire life? At the cost of family time? I am not blaming anybody but myself. The corporate world is like that – if you allow it to consume you, it will. Mercilessly too. The biggest question of all – how do I reverse out of this?
Do I have to study? I am not so sure. When I started I wanted to study. Whether I still want to now I don’t know. To reverse out of that is almost impossible too! Every person I discuss this with tells me I am crazy. And I feel guilty just thinking about it.
Why is it so difficult to say no? Why is it so difficult to just walk away from some things or some people? I think I have a sick sense of responsibility. I feel responsible for the success of people I hardly know and spend loads of time motivating and encouraging them. The majority of which I have never met in real life. I feel responsible for everybody trying to learn something I know well and try to mentor them all.
All for what? I have no idea.
I am in a terrible tug of war with myself. There is very little in my life that have eternity value. Very little. There are only a few things in my life that I am satisfied with. There are only a few things in my life that I enjoy. The majority of my life has become a schlep. One that I can do without. I am sick of it. Really and truly sick of it.
The worst part of this entire lamentation? I have no idea how to change it. None whatsoever.